Doubt

Today I was reading the passage in Matthew 14:24-31

… and the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it. Shortly after dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.
But Jesus immediately said to them, “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”
“Lord, if it is you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”
“Come” he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came towards Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “Why did you doubt?”

Until today I had only ever heard this passage talked about in the way that it was teaching us not to doubt, that when we do,  we sink. I doubt more than I would like to admit. It seems like if people knew how often I doubted they might judge my faith. They may even say that I lack faith. Every time I utter a prayer, there is that tiny little voice in the back of my head that says “that will never happen, God won’t provide, God can’t do that.” I continually beat myself up and hear in the church to JUST TRUST GOD. But does trust really mean a lack of doubt? Perhaps it means more if you have doubt and fear, but choose God anyway? Today I was reading in the book Spirit Hunger,  Gari Meacham talks about this passage a different way.

It is clear from the beginning of this passage that there was fear in that boat, they were exhausted from fighting the waves and wind, and then there is this ghost coming towards them. Terrified doesn’t quite seem to be a strong enough description to me.  But even so, when they were all cowering away, Peter decides to trust Jesus. I can just imagine the fear of getting out of the boat, most likely the others were trying to reason with him, keep him from stepping out. But that great step of faith to get out of the boat was only taken by one disciple, Peter. All seems well as he starts to walk towards Jesus, but then he takes his eyes away, and fear and doubt begin to over take him. However he doesn’t try to scramble back to the boat, or depend on his swimming ability, he calls out to Jesus. There is doubt and fear present, but still he chooses Jesus, I can’t image Jesus being too disappointed with this act.

So I cannot imagine that God expects our walk to be free from doubt, but instead that we chose him through the doubt. How much more precious would that be to him if we are afraid and doubtful with others urging us to make the reason based decision, but we instead turn to him, despite our intellect and choose faith.