In the darkness

Perhaps when you look at, it is simply an expression of love
but to me it was a sharp pain, the exemplification of lie into a greater truth
it doesn't look to have a wounding move, but to me it does

The exterior a simple smile. Show your teeth and tuck away your heart
Not one would know the shredded inside
Deception truly can be a work of art

Perception is hard when you confuse black with white,
Because I am so sure it is true.
A lie that chases you so far you are either exhausted, or give up the fight. 

A spinning maze in the darkness that seems it will never end
binding and chains on my heart and my lungs
A tortured soul that will never not be undone

But with him comes hope, freedom and true love
Or at least that is what is peddled to me
But the truth is the truth and he speaks it from above
Daughter do not pretend, open yourself and just let them be. 

Run from his lies, his daggers and guns
turn instead and rest not in yourself, but in my son.

-Emily Thomas

Entangled too far.

Entangled.

 Knowing intimately, the wicked and the winsome delight.
A feeling that, at first, sets the heart in flight
Entangled, Entwine
Setting up, here on earth a shrine

Seeing deeply into another’s body and soul
what it is exactly that breaks them, or makes them whole
The curves, the scars running with blood
How they respond when entrenched deep in the mud

 I have in this act the power to please
To take more than is given, the power to cease
To pleasure your body, to intermingle our minds
To torture your demons or set them loose behind.

 When I encounter you, it is to this that I go.
There is no stopping or pausing to do something slow.
We have hastily thrust us into the covenant gift
Letting ourselves be one, without the law the covenant lifts.
 
Your aroma on my body, your memory in my mind
This is what happens when we are so intertwined.
 
When the burden of sin has become to much to bear,
and I’m worried my body has begun to tear.
Then I speak up, and the gentle spirt listens,
there there my darling, your eyes have begun to glisten

Franticly I seek out the addiction that has become like a drug,
desperately trying to justify my love.

Watching, patiently he waits
forgive me my father, I continue the chase. 
Until the words and feelings avalanche without reason
and I am sure that my body has been victim to treason

 You are hurt beyond measure and shown wildly your flaws
There is good reason I give you my laws.

 I am entangled still with the thorns of my flesh
And with great pain I continue my breath
 
As you wish to die, I wish you to live
Stand up and look at me and what I wish to give
Look lovingly on the husband and bride
See how intimate is is for them to abide
In each other, in me first, and then in covenant love

 These are the words that began with an ending of a hug.

-Emily Thomas

“Time, they say, can heal you
Though, that’s harder to believe
When you meet the broken hearted
And see what it meant to leave.”

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My life has met tragedy along side of joy. And my broken heart is fully capable of making me shed tears daily. When I heard those words in a familiar song, the slow and steady tempo sunk deep into me. Over and over I have been told that time will heal, and that I will let it go, and eventually I can put it on the floor and leave it there. My broken heart is a result of what it meant for me to leave. to give up all that I had and my desires fulfilled, for what I saw to be a shaky and unstable result in a God I was terrified of. The rings on all of my fingers represent the dazzling and beautiful poison of the promised fulfillment in this world. The things I so desperately try to satisfy myself with, if only for a moment. In shorter terms, the delightful things to look at, that lack any real satisfaction beyond that fleeting delight. The one finger left bare, the one on which the wedding ring goes, represents a constant….unceasing, disenchantment with what I have been offered by this world.

In his grace and mercy I will yet again turn to him.

Song by Joshua Hyslop helped to inspire this photograph.

Photo © Emily Thomas

Crash Helmets

“On the whole, I do not find Christians, outside the catacombs, sufficiently sensible of the conditions. Does any-one have the foggiest idea what sort of power we so blithely invoke? Or, as I suspect, does no one believe a word of it? The churches are children playing on the floor with their chemistry sets, mixing up a batch of TNT to kill a Sunday morning. It is madness to wear ladies’ straw hats and velvet hats to church; we should all be wearing crash helmets. Ushers should issue life preservers and signal flares; they should lash us to our pews. For the sleeping god may wake some day and take offense, or the waking god may draw us out to where we can never return.”

– Annie Dillard

Away from our life source.

Fall has never been my favorite season, and every time fall comes around each year I am just as surprised. Every time that I walk outside lately I about fall over. It’s beautiful. I mean it’s really beautiful. Yellows, and reds, and greens, and browns, Colorado must be the prettiest it has ever been. I’m sure I have this same thought every fall when I remember how astonishingly gorgeous it is, but every time I walk outside I can’t help but think “It has never been like this, I have never seen so much beauty before”.

A few days ago I was walking to lunch with some friends, we had just heard the word of God glorified as he spoke of the glowing trees just outside the doors, and the sun was shining that day. I walked past a tree that must have had the biggest, and most beautiful yellow leaves that I have ever seen. That God painted death like this, some God we serve!

I couldn’t help but pluck a few off the tree, I wanted this beauty to have. And for a while, apart from the tree the beauty lasted! But not two days later the leaves had shrunk, and turned from a vibrant yellow to a softer yellow/brown color. Now I suppose they are still beautiful. But they are dead, and so…so fragile. They still hold some image of when I saw them bathing in the sun, but they had changed and were different. Their stems are like dry pine needles, that would break with the slightest effort, and their bodies have curled up worn and withered.

When I noticed the drastic change my first thought was they have been cut off from their life source! Without the tree, the source of their life, they hold an image, but not the one they proudly displayed days ago. They are fragile and weary. Friends, this is what we have turned into! When I remember my God after days apart from him, I realize how tired and devastated I am away from him. We can hold our image, his image that we are made in, but it is fragile like glass and dim, getting darker. We must get back to show off all our colors that we were created to beam with! We need God in his mighty power and love to give us continual nutrients, because apart from him we are dead.

Perhaps fall is my favorite season after all.

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Even in my doubt and my longing for an answer from him. I know the truth.

The End of the Book

Oh Lord let me love you more.

Today I am putting away a journal from the last year and a half of my life. I flipped through the pages and my heart went back. Back to desires and hurts and places that I had forgotten. Overwhelmingly though I saw myself as I still am today. Praying and begging of God for the same four things. Salvation for my family. Salvation for a man I love deeply, though God has taken him out of my life. And the biggest desire of my heart, for a Godly marriage, and a man that loves him more than me. But I also saw that fourth thing, the thing that keeps me up at night and is winding in my thoughts always. And that is that I would get to know him! That I would be obedient to God, that he would lavish me with love, and that I would find satisfaction in him.

The first three prayers have not yet been answered. I say yet because I don’t know what God is doing and he could be answering them as I type away. As I read through my journal I felt the chains being to tighten around my heart….”God sees these things you desire, but he hasn’t come through and he never will” “Your family, and the people you love, God is not gonna pursue them, he will just let them rot in hell””Look at this journal, what has God really done in response to your faithful prayer!”. I will not lie it was hard for me to read through the journal and see that my heart aches just as much for theses things as it did then. And my thoughts try to convince me that God is lost. But I am going to choose to believe him. In Christ alone, where my hope is found. I will long and pray for these people to know God, but God is not some evil dictator that has cast them out, he knows. So I will trust in the truth though the lies bombard my thoughts.

The fourth request, not entirely sure on. I don’t think God has shown me himself in the way that I think he should. But he has showed, and I have grown to know him more. I must have written the words in my journal too many times to count “God where are you”, but I also wrote “God I see you….thank you….and you are there!” So as my doubtful heart proceeds through life with me, I am going to rest on the word I don’t remember writing:

“I am hurting with thing after thing destroying me. But I know when there is nothing left, there is you.”

God has taught me throughout the time this journal has spanned, that when there is nothing left there is him. When I don’t understand there is him. When I wander away from him again, there is him! When I am blind and broken still there is him. Let us believe this truth and not the lies which the enemy has convinced so many to be the real truth. SONY DSC

p.s. colorado is quite beautiful this time of year.

L’amoue de Dieu est folie!

The Love of God is foolish, let me tell you , so often I feel foolish in my faith. I feel as if there is no proof of his existence, as if I have no reason with my faith. And more often than not, I feel as if I have no faith either.

It is no secret to those who know me best that I struggle with doubt, constantly and always. I sometimes am so sure that I have seen God, but my natural tendency is to revert back to doubting. I’ll pray “God, reveal yourself to him! Show him that you care, I love him!” or “heal me God, I know you can”. But then I think, a tiny voice from the dark saying, he won’t answer, he isn’t interested is these silly prayers that mean so much to you.

I have forgotten my original intention with this post, and feel somewhat like that of a broken record, but maybe it will stick in your heat! God has not forgotten you! I spend so much of my time sobbing in bed, or agonizing in loneliness! God has blessed me with such sweet friends, ones I know care for me dearly, but I long for more! My family is in a bit of a shambles, but they are there, and I still long for more. I want more than anything to be sure of God. More than I want to be a wife and a mother, which is saying something causes that is the top of my desires list. I want to sit with God and KNOW that he is there, feel him, see him, know him, and have not a single doubt.

I struggle with people telling me they hear from God and that God talks to them…that they trusted in faith and he delivered! I honestly want to scream at them and push them in a puddle (so godly). Because if undivided faith is what is required, well I’m done and there is no point. I want to cry with my heart yelling “God, why don’t you talk to me!?”. This causes me to think ether he doesn’t exist, or he isn’t concerned with me. doubt. and more doubt.

It’s so hard reading verses like “my sheep listen to my voice” and “I love those who love me, and those who seek me find me.” I just feel like my heart is devoured by the enemy when I read these things and know they aren’t true for me.

But these things are the truth! Let us stand up to the devil and not let him kill and destroy us in this opportune vulnerability. I don’t know why God has chosen to keep back from me (and maybe you too), and my doubt is there even now. But let us choose the truth that God is in fact who he says he is, and we just don’t see what he is doing.

“Therefore, behold, I will allure her,

and bring her into the wilderness,

and speak tenderly to her.

And there I will give her her vineyards

and make the Valley of Achor[a] a door of hope.

And there she shall answer as in the days of her youth,

as at the time when she came out of the land of Egypt.”

Hosea 2:14-15

L’amoue de Dieu est folie! The Love of God is foolish. I have a friend who encountered this phrase while he was in France over Easter. I saw it in my mind as he described flowers everywhere and people singing it through the streets. As the policemen stepped back and told him this was to joyful occasion to arrest the people graffitiing it on the sides of buildings. The love of God is too good to be true, it’s foolish and giggly and joyful. Lord give me this kind of love. Quench my doubts and reveal yourself to me!

Storm

I love the way the world is during a storm. Soft and quiet, and yet louder than you have ever heard all at once.

This day has dragged on and on, with nothing to do except a few errands and the grocery store. I had free time to do whatever I wanted, sleep, read, draw, and yet the longings for him grew stronger throughout the day, and distracting my mind became a more difficult task as the time went on. By the time the storm rolled in it was all I could do to keep from calling him to come keep me company.

I bet you thought I was getting all religious there, saying how my heart longed to be with Jesus all day. But that wasn’t what I wanted first. I wanted real life, breathing and touching and knowing he was there without a shred of doubt in my mind. Say what you want, but this is the one struggle I can never seem to loosen the chains on. I’ll admit it, I’m lonely. It’s terrifying to admit, especially in a way in which others might find me out. Because what if they see me as desperate, or what if they think I don’t believe in a sufficient God, or worse, what if I actually don’t believe in God anymore. Since when did it become so terrible to tell the truth. About your struggle, about your sin infested heart. Why is there so much shame?

The truth is, all day I longed for a man, one who could keep me company and make ridiculous comments about the horrendous cheesiness of the movie I want to watch (The Vow). I wanted to be held and look outside my window as the rain fell harder than I have ever seen. I wanted to light candles when the power went out and just sit there and enjoy his company. I even considered finding a guy who might do this with me. But I knew, I knew. The whole time I knew there was no one who could satisfy me.

Praise the Lord. No, seriously. Praise the Lord that he kept me from straying too far. Cut the power so I couldn’t call out to a man I knew would come running. PRAISE him because I have finally figured out that he wouldn’t help anyway. Praise him shouting at my computer and crying out in thankfulness that he does not abandon me on days that my heart is adulterous!

“The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. The LORD is my shepherd, I LACK NOTHING.” – psalm 23

Lord I confess doubts, constant doubts about you and your character, I admit that I look to other things to satisfy my dry heart. God bring us back to you, help us to be honest and vulnerable with each other and with YOU! Teach me more about you, show me more about you. “surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life.” (psalm 23)

I love the way the world is after a storm, beautiful and bright, and dark and clean all at once. I love the mystery of God in the storm, that I have never been so sure of him and surrounded by more doubt all at once. Blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord.