Oh Lord let me love you more.
Today I am putting away a journal from the last year and a half of my life. I flipped through the pages and my heart went back. Back to desires and hurts and places that I had forgotten. Overwhelmingly though I saw myself as I still am today. Praying and begging of God for the same four things. Salvation for my family. Salvation for a man I love deeply, though God has taken him out of my life. And the biggest desire of my heart, for a Godly marriage, and a man that loves him more than me. But I also saw that fourth thing, the thing that keeps me up at night and is winding in my thoughts always. And that is that I would get to know him! That I would be obedient to God, that he would lavish me with love, and that I would find satisfaction in him.
The first three prayers have not yet been answered. I say yet because I don’t know what God is doing and he could be answering them as I type away. As I read through my journal I felt the chains being to tighten around my heart….”God sees these things you desire, but he hasn’t come through and he never will” “Your family, and the people you love, God is not gonna pursue them, he will just let them rot in hell””Look at this journal, what has God really done in response to your faithful prayer!”. I will not lie it was hard for me to read through the journal and see that my heart aches just as much for theses things as it did then. And my thoughts try to convince me that God is lost. But I am going to choose to believe him. In Christ alone, where my hope is found. I will long and pray for these people to know God, but God is not some evil dictator that has cast them out, he knows. So I will trust in the truth though the lies bombard my thoughts.
The fourth request, not entirely sure on. I don’t think God has shown me himself in the way that I think he should. But he has showed, and I have grown to know him more. I must have written the words in my journal too many times to count “God where are you”, but I also wrote “God I see you….thank you….and you are there!” So as my doubtful heart proceeds through life with me, I am going to rest on the word I don’t remember writing:
“I am hurting with thing after thing destroying me. But I know when there is nothing left, there is you.”
God has taught me throughout the time this journal has spanned, that when there is nothing left there is him. When I don’t understand there is him. When I wander away from him again, there is him! When I am blind and broken still there is him. Let us believe this truth and not the lies which the enemy has convinced so many to be the real truth.
p.s. colorado is quite beautiful this time of year.