The Love of God is foolish, let me tell you , so often I feel foolish in my faith. I feel as if there is no proof of his existence, as if I have no reason with my faith. And more often than not, I feel as if I have no faith either.
It is no secret to those who know me best that I struggle with doubt, constantly and always. I sometimes am so sure that I have seen God, but my natural tendency is to revert back to doubting. I’ll pray “God, reveal yourself to him! Show him that you care, I love him!” or “heal me God, I know you can”. But then I think, a tiny voice from the dark saying, he won’t answer, he isn’t interested is these silly prayers that mean so much to you.
I have forgotten my original intention with this post, and feel somewhat like that of a broken record, but maybe it will stick in your heat! God has not forgotten you! I spend so much of my time sobbing in bed, or agonizing in loneliness! God has blessed me with such sweet friends, ones I know care for me dearly, but I long for more! My family is in a bit of a shambles, but they are there, and I still long for more. I want more than anything to be sure of God. More than I want to be a wife and a mother, which is saying something causes that is the top of my desires list. I want to sit with God and KNOW that he is there, feel him, see him, know him, and have not a single doubt.
I struggle with people telling me they hear from God and that God talks to them…that they trusted in faith and he delivered! I honestly want to scream at them and push them in a puddle (so godly). Because if undivided faith is what is required, well I’m done and there is no point. I want to cry with my heart yelling “God, why don’t you talk to me!?”. This causes me to think ether he doesn’t exist, or he isn’t concerned with me. doubt. and more doubt.
It’s so hard reading verses like “my sheep listen to my voice” and “I love those who love me, and those who seek me find me.” I just feel like my heart is devoured by the enemy when I read these things and know they aren’t true for me.
But these things are the truth! Let us stand up to the devil and not let him kill and destroy us in this opportune vulnerability. I don’t know why God has chosen to keep back from me (and maybe you too), and my doubt is there even now. But let us choose the truth that God is in fact who he says he is, and we just don’t see what he is doing.
“Therefore, behold, I will allure her,
and bring her into the wilderness,
and speak tenderly to her.
And there I will give her her vineyards
and make the Valley of Achor[a] a door of hope.
And there she shall answer as in the days of her youth,
as at the time when she came out of the land of Egypt.”
L’amoue de Dieu est folie! The Love of God is foolish. I have a friend who encountered this phrase while he was in France over Easter. I saw it in my mind as he described flowers everywhere and people singing it through the streets. As the policemen stepped back and told him this was to joyful occasion to arrest the people graffitiing it on the sides of buildings. The love of God is too good to be true, it’s foolish and giggly and joyful. Lord give me this kind of love. Quench my doubts and reveal yourself to me!