I love the way the world is during a storm. Soft and quiet, and yet louder than you have ever heard all at once.

This day has dragged on and on, with nothing to do except a few errands and the grocery store. I had free time to do whatever I wanted, sleep, read, draw, and yet the longings for him grew stronger throughout the day, and distracting my mind became a more difficult task as the time went on. By the time the storm rolled in it was all I could do to keep from calling him to come keep me company.

I bet you thought I was getting all religious there, saying how my heart longed to be with Jesus all day. But that wasn’t what I wanted first. I wanted real life, breathing and touching and knowing he was there without a shred of doubt in my mind. Say what you want, but this is the one struggle I can never seem to loosen the chains on. I’ll admit it, I’m lonely. It’s terrifying to admit, especially in a way in which others might find me out. Because what if they see me as desperate, or what if they think I don’t believe in a sufficient God, or worse, what if I actually don’t believe in God anymore. Since when did it become so terrible to tell the truth. About your struggle, about your sin infested heart. Why is there so much shame?

The truth is, all day I longed for a man, one who could keep me company and make ridiculous comments about the horrendous cheesiness of the movie I want to watch (The Vow). I wanted to be held and look outside my window as the rain fell harder than I have ever seen. I wanted to light candles when the power went out and just sit there and enjoy his company. I even considered finding a guy who might do this with me. But I knew, I knew. The whole time I knew there was no one who could satisfy me.

Praise the Lord. No, seriously. Praise the Lord that he kept me from straying too far. Cut the power so I couldn’t call out to a man I knew would come running. PRAISE him because I have finally figured out that he wouldn’t help anyway. Praise him shouting at my computer and crying out in thankfulness that he does not abandon me on days that my heart is adulterous!

“The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. The LORD is my shepherd, I LACK NOTHING.” – psalm 23

Lord I confess doubts, constant doubts about you and your character, I admit that I look to other things to satisfy my dry heart. God bring us back to you, help us to be honest and vulnerable with each other and with YOU! Teach me more about you, show me more about you. “surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life.” (psalm 23)

I love the way the world is after a storm, beautiful and bright, and dark and clean all at once. I love the mystery of God in the storm, that I have never been so sure of him and surrounded by more doubt all at once. Blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord.


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